Roland

Sep 28 2014

Stepping Through Fear

If we want to grow we have to be willing to get uncomfortable. It’s really that simple. No Discomfort = No Growth. Sometimes we’re afraid of the discomfort though. We act like it can hurt us. When fear becomes part of the growth equation things can get complicated fast.

Why?

Fear can sidestep our ability to think clearly. Uncontrolled, it can turn us into blithering idiots, or worse shut down our humanity and turn us into vicious animals. Fear can also paralyze, freeze us into patterns of behavior that prevent growth and that prevent action. When we fear change, our ability to grow quickly diminishes because we start avoiding things that make us uncomfortable, things we fear, the very things that can help us change.

Understand that fear can be useful. The fear that comes from something like stepping into oncoming traffic is very real and should be heeded, while the fear of public speaking is illusionary and can be discarded—meaning that no matter how scary public speaking might seem, it won’t physically hurt you.

In both cases fear is an action signal. It tells you that to get back to safety. But as you realize, when it’s illusionary fear, safety really means your comfort zone.

How Can You Beat Fear?

The best way to beat fear is to learn to step through it. Stepping through fear means you experience the fear and do it anyway. It means training yourself to think clearly in the midst of fear instead of letting fear paralyze you. You can step through your fear with small things at first, and always with things that are done as safely as possible.

For example: If you fear public speaking, you could ask a small group of friends to let you tell them a story. Just have them sit on one wide of the room while you stand on the other. Then tell a short funny story from your childhood or from work. When you’re comfortable with that, you’ll move to larger groups. In no time you’ll forget why you were ever afraid because you’ll enjoy the experience of connecting with others in the way that only public speaking provides.

Here’s an example from my life.

Over The Edge

A few months ago I had the opportunity to go rappelling for the first time in over a decade. As we approached the top of the cliff I started to feel a little nervous. It had been awhile since I’d been that close to a drop off of more than 10 or 15 feet, this one was a little over 130 ft. To put that in perspective, that’s like standing on the roof of a 10 story building.

My heart started to pound. My palms got sweaty. I felt fear rising. Do I really want to do this? I wondered and considered walking away. But then I reminded myself, “This is no big deal. I used to clean windows on high-rises. I can do it!”

I’d like to say I went first. I didn’t. I was the second one up. As my friend, who’d organized the trip, showed me exactly how to connect the rappel device to the rope and then to my harness, the fear monkeys went crazy in my head. It was like standing in the middle of a hundred monkeys, all barking, screaming, and threatening me, telling me all the horrible possibilities, demanding I give up.

Shut UP! I mentally shouted as I edged backward, toward the gap. There I stood, 130 feet yawning beneath me. My feet planted on the edge of the cliff face, but not committed yet. I could still call it off.

Despite the cacophony of my fear monkeys, I took another step, then another. And then I’d passed the point of no return. The only way off that cliff was straight down.

The fear monkeys didn’t quiet much on my first decent. Though I enjoyed it, I was also desperate to reach the ground. When I got to the bottom I felt waves of relief wash over me.

I did it!

Then I thought, Okay, that’s done we can go home now. And I knew the fear monkeys were still trying to control the situation. I wasn’t about to let that happen. So I went back to the top of the cliff and rappelled again. In fact, I took three turns that day.

Did my fear monkeys ever go away? No. They quieted until they were mostly background noise. But they still raged a few times.

The important thing is that I faced my fear and did it anyway. I remained calm and rational despite fear and controlled it instead of letting it control me.

You can too. It might not be a literal cliff that challenges you, but fear can make it feel that way. If you start small and do the thing you fear, it will get easier with each doing. In time it might even go away!

Always remember:

You are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

Photos by Wadsden Photographic

Sep 21 2014

The Real Problem with Labels

What’s The Real Problem With Labels?

Have you ever been told that you’re a looser, a quitter, fat, sloppy, skinny, ugly stupid, lazy, clumsy, no good, a liar, you’ll never change, or that you’re too this or too that? Seriously there are so many mean and hurtful things people say about others that it’s astounding.

Sometimes we’re told these things by people who are trying to hurt us. Mostly this is because they’ve learned that hurting others is a way to feel better about themselves, because they believe that if they tear others down enough, it lifts them up. Yeah, I know, that’s a bizarre behavior.

The real kicker is that many of these labels are offered us by people we love, people that matter to us, who are acting out flawed behavioral scripts. Someone can care for you and still say mean things, they can throw labels at you when their angry, frustrated, or hurting that they’d never dream of using normally.

But why they do it is a topic for another post because why they do it has nothing to do with you. What really matters is what you do with these labels when they’re offered to you.

That’s right. No one can give you a label but you!

So the question is, “Are you going to accept all the labels you’re given?”

I hope you said, “No!”

The truth is; some labels can be helpful and some are harmful. The real problem with labels is that if you start believing them, they can become your identity. Once a label becomes your identity your subconscious mind starts finding ways to make sure your behavior matches that belief. The belief in a personal label can be so powerful that a harmful label can easily destroy lives while an empowering label can create amazing successes.

So be very careful what labels you accept.

What to do if Someone Offers You a Label

When someone tells you you’re ________________ (you fill in the blank). You have the choice to accept their opinion as fact, to disregard it completely, or to reflect on whether there is any truth in their opinion.

If it’s something blatantly mean and hurtful, then just throw it out. Realize that they’re acting out a behavioral script they learned to cope with anger, hurt, or other stresses. This never makes the mean or hurtful behavior right or acceptable. It just helps you keep it in perspective.

You might say, “Thank you.” Or, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” You can stay calm and remind yourself that you’re different than that label. You can ignore the comment entirely. You can also respectfully leave and resume the conversation when the other person calms down.

The key when refusing a label is to remain calm and let it slide on by. Even if you explore the possibility that there might be some truth to what they said, you can do it in a calm manner. When you get emotional about the label you give it focus. That gives it power because your subconscious mind uses emotion and focus to determine how important something is.

So stay calm and remember that you are who you choose to be.

What if the label is an empowering one, something that builds you up? Thank the person. Feel free to accept these labels when they align with your path, and if you do, then get excited that the person thinks You’re Smart, You’re Strong, You’re Healthy, You’re Persistent, You’re Clean, You’re Powerful, You’re Kind, You’re Graceful, You’re Honest…Etc. Having a powerful emotional response to an empowering label helps it stick and that helps it become a belief.

Remember; Your Beliefs Shape Your World.

There is another layer to labels and we’ll discuss that later. For now, remember to throw them out unless they serve you and keep the empowering ones you want.

You are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

Image from Flickr.com, used under limited license. Image Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/laenulfean/476027925

Jul 24 2014

Getting Traction

Getting Traction After Change

Whether we’re changing our internal beliefs, behaviors, or character traits, waiting for the results of our new patterns to manifest can feel like we’re wandering through a dark forest. The results of our internal shift seem elusive, like beams of sunlight swallowed in fog. That’s because there’s usually a time lag between our internal changes and the external manifestation of these changes.

That’s what I call “Getting Traction.”

The time it takes to get traction with your new trait, belief, or behavior depends a lot on how drastic the change is from your old ways. Basically, it takes time for the new trait, behavior, or belief to filter into your reality. The bigger the change, the longer it can take. That doesn’t mean that dramatic changes can’t happen instantly. They can and they do. It just means that the manifestation of these changes can take some time to show up in your life.

This is a critical time for a lot of people. When they don’t see immediate results, they might get discouraged and think, “I was wrong.” Or “I must not be doing it right.” Or “Maybe I haven’t truly changed.” Sometimes they even give up and, in time even go back to their old ways. And that is tragic because they’ve already made the change! They’re just a short time from realizing the amazing results of the change!

Think of it this way. Would you get discouraged if the seed you planted yesterday wasn’t fully grown today? Not if you knew anything about seeds and how they grow. So why would you get frustrated when the seed of change you planted didn’t produce results overnight?

The most important thing you can do when you’ve made a dramatic change in your beliefs, behaviors, or character traits is to have faith that the change will bear fruit. And I promise it will—as long as you remain steadfast in the change you’ve made or the belief you adopted.

If you find yourself doubting that the change you made was real, Stop! That’s like cutting away at the roots of your new change-seed. If you persist in doubting, the seed of change can die. I know you want to keep the seed of change alive so it can grow into its full manifestation.

So when you find yourself doubting the power of your new belief, behavior, or character trait, just remind yourself that it’s growing and keep believing in yourself. Keep believing in your power to change. And remember that all lasting changes are internal before they manifest on the outside.

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

Image courtesy ShutterStock

May 29 2014

What is Living?

What is living, really living?

Is the mere fact that you’re alive, living? Or is it doing something with your life? Is truly living a quest, like the pursuit of knowledge, of power, of humility, of perfection, of living in service to others, of discovering spiritual truth?

Perhaps it’s a combination of all these things. But I believe the real question is, “How do you use the time you’re given?” because it’s one thing to think you know what living really means and it’s another to put that in practice.

As you approach life, do you take each day by storm or sit idly by as the world spins beneath your feet?

There’s a gap between existing and living, a place where many are trapped. Idleness beckons us with seemingly important things. It speaks to us with fun and distraction—often at other’s expense. Some people even laugh at the pain and misfortune of others and call it fun… Things like video games, online communities, movies, internet videos, even watching sports or a television series, beg for our attention and can keep us from doing things that matter.

But who’s to say what’s wasted time? Who decides if the things we do matter? And why does it matter if they make a difference or not?

Ultimately The Answers to These Questions Come From Within.

For me, wasted time is time spent doing things that don’t actively make a difference. That difference might be in my life, my family’s lives, or the lives of people I’ve never met. The key is that as long as I’m moving forward and doing something that has a positive impact, I’m using my time well, I’m living well. Let’s use meditation as an example. Some people might feel that meditating is wasted time because you’re sitting still, doing nothing for ten to twenty minutes. For me, daily meditation is a gateway to peace and creativity. It opens my heart, mind, and soul to the greater truths of life. When I meditate regularly, my writing flows easily, ideas come freely, and I’m a much calmer, nicer person. In that regard my practice of daily meditation has a positive impact on those I interact with and those who read my books and blog.

So, even though I’m sitting there doing nothing—to all outward appearances—for me meditation is definitely time well used.

Now, that same time could be used to watch videos or shows or play games. The time invested is the same. But unless those things are somehow making life better for others or me, then what’s the point?

What about play? Is that wasted time?

We need to play, to have unstructured free time where we can reset emotionally and physically from the normal routine. For me that’s time on my skateboard ramp in my backyard or hiking in the mountains with my family, exercising, watching a good movie, or reading a great book. But the secret is this; play should enhance your life instead of overtaking it. And the best way to live is when your work is play. That’s how I feel when I’m writing, like I’m playing!

So one difference between living and simply existing is how you use your time. What’s another difference?

Gratitude!

Do you appreciate the small moments in your life? Do you notice the beauty that surrounds you? Are you grateful for the things you have, even the little things like…breathing and the fact that your heart is still beating?

When you feel gratitude for everything in your life, you not only appreciate life more, you also live from a place of love and connection—with those around you and your world. When you live in a state of gratitude you simply get more of everything from life. And that’s truly living!

Ultimately we’re the judge of our actions. We know in our hearts if we’re fulfilling our higher calling or simple wading through the mire. We know if we live in gratitude or if we keep a tally of everything that’s wrong in our lives.

What will you do today, right now; to make sure you’re really living?

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

Mar 21 2014

Healing Your Past

Many people carry painful past experiences with them like badges of honor. It’s as if they say, I survived this and that gives me meaning. And that’s okay. But what does it do to their life moving forward?

That depends on the meaning they give the event they survived.

The very idea of surviving something implies that it could have destroyed you. Some things can destroy us emotionally, some physically, some spiritually, and some cognitively. But unless an event ends your life or removes your ability to think cohesively, you always have control over the meaning you give it.

I know, I said that already. That’s because it’s important. So please pay attention and remember this:

You Always Have Control Over The Meaning You Give Events.

And that’s key to healing your past!

Even now, if something terrible happened to you in the past, you can make the choice to give it a different meaning. You have the power to change something from an anchor that holds you captive in the past to a sail of hope that carries you into your brilliant future. And it can be as simple as asking yourself the question, What meaning can I give this (that event) that will empower me and help others?

Let’s do this together.

*Warning: you might want someone with you for moral support—and to help you stay in the present moment—when you do this the first few times. A counselor, therapist, or good friend are all great choices. If none of those are available, you can start with a smaller event, something that’s nagging instead of devastating. Once you master this technique it gets easier to do and in time you’ll be able to do it at will and you’ll even do it with events as they happen.*

Think of something from your past that’s painful to recall:

Here’s mine. This is something I haven’t thought of in years and when I remembered it I felt that emotional twinge that tells me I’ve never fully dealt with it.

When I was eight I had a step-father who thought it was a good idea to show my older brother and me just how powerful a 44-magnum handgun was. So he took us into the woods near our home and found a wild rabbit that was peacefully eating with its back to us.

He pulled out his 44, took aim, and shot the rabbit. The rabbit vanished in a puff of fur. To see that innocent life ended so violently was horrifying enough, but as I fought to hold back my tears—because I knew they were a sign of weakness to him—he walked my brother and me over to the place the rabbit had been just moments before. Then he laughingly showed us the pitiful remains of the small animal. I’ll spare you the details.

At the time I felt scared, small, and powerless. Whether it was his intent or not, killing that rabbit in front of me and my brother felt like a deliberate display of power, like a threat from a man who easily outweighed me by two-hundred pounds, and who I feared already. I also felt sad at the senseless taking of the small animal’s life.

Since I’m doing this with you, I’ll now ask myself the question, “What meaning can I give this that will empower me and help others?”

The meanings I choose now are these:

I learned valuable lessons that day, that help me and allow me to better serve others.

I learned that in the core of my being I know how valuable life is and that it should never be wasted—no matter how small or seemingly insignificant it is.
I learned about the power of empathy. I truly felt for that small creature and mourned for its passing.
I learned how something that might seem trivial to one can have life-altering meaning for another. That means we should always be cognizant of the potential impact of our actions on others.
I learned that we should never abuse our power. No matter who we are or what we can do, we should never deliberately harm others.

So, with these new meanings I forgive my step-father and now release the pain of the event.

I sincerely hope you try this method. It can be scary, it can even be painful. But if you do it carefully, in the presence of those who can help uplift and support you, I think you’ll find it works wonders in healing your past, giving greater meaning to your present, and opening your sails to an amazing new future.

Remember:

You are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

Roland

Stepping Through Fear

How Can You Beat Fear?

Over The Edge

What’s The Real Problem With Labels?

So the question is, “Are you going to accept all the labels you’re given?”

What to do if Someone Offers You a Label

Getting Traction After Change

That’s what I call “Getting Traction.”

What is living, really living?

Ultimately The Answers to These Questions Come From Within.

Gratitude!

Healing Your Past

You Always Have Control Over The Meaning You Give Events.

Double Your Motivation to Exercise!