The Power of Understanding that Love is a Choice
I want to talk about the power that comes from understanding that Love is A Choice. Did you know that you can choose love every day? I’m specifically talking about your relationship with your spouse, your significant other, your partner.
Love is a choice. When people first, “fall in love,” it’s the biological reaction, the excitement, the hormones, everything that’s going on that has them feel like, “they’re in love.”
What happens when the initial chemical reactions, when the initial biochemistry that’s going on—that creates that feeling of excitement—wears off?
That’s when the power of choosing love really comes into play.
We Can Choose Love Every Single Day.
How do we do that? How do we choose love? Start by recognizing what choices increase and decrease the feelings of love that you have for your partner.
What are the feelings that you have about things that they do every day?
Do you remember why you fell in love in the first place?
Are you thinking about things that they do that you find attractive and exciting and things that encourage that wonderful feeling? Or are you thinking about the things that they do that maybe are a little bit annoying? Recognize what choices, recognize the thoughts that you’re having that are either increasing or decreasing the feelings of love that you have for your partner.
As an example, from my relationship with my beautiful wife who I’ve been married to for almost 18 years now; she has some things that she does that, I’m sure if I were to really think about them, I might find annoying. But the thing is, I made the decision a long time ago to let those things just slip on by. And because I put no energy and no focus on those things they’re non-issues. If I were to focus on those things, then it could have an adverse effect on the love that I feel over time. But since I focus on the wonderful qualities that she has, and she’s got a lot of wonderful qualities, then that really helps enhance my feelings of love toward her because I’m choosing love every day. I’m choosing to focus on her good traits. I’m choosing to remember all of the wonderful things that she does. I’m choosing to remember and focus on just how beautiful a person she is and how much she loves to help others and all the amazing things about her.
Thinking about the amazing things about my wife, they are countless and the things that are perhaps less-than-ideal are very few, minuscule in number. So why would I focus on the few things that might be less-than-ideal when there are countless amazing things I can look at?
Are You Making Choices that Strengthen Your Relationship and thus Increase Your Love Every Day?
Do you tell yourself wonderful things about your partner? Do you tell yourself about the things that they do that are less-than-ideal?
Ages ago I used to drive semis, doing construction work. This was in Chicago. There was a man who would routinely complain about the lunch that his wife packed him for work every day. He would sit down at lunch time, pull it out, and he would just whine and complain—quite violently—about what she was making him to eat.
I stopped him one day and I said, “Man, you’re lucky she’s making you lunch!”
What are you going to focus on in your relationship? So, instead of complaining about little nitpicky things, start focusing on the good things.
What are some things that you can do to improve your relationship and increase your love?
Here are a 3 powerful places to start:
1. Remembering Why You Fell in Love:
Remember why you fell in love. Remember all the good things about your partner that you initially fell in love with.
There are some relationships, let’s be honest, there are some relationships where things come out over time, that no matter how much you love the person, are things that you just can’t abide. Okay, if that happens, it’s healthy to have boundaries. It’s healthy too protect yourself, if necessary, and to do things like that. So, this is in no way saying to overlook major things that are dangerous or harmful or that are hurting people. Alright? Let’s be clear on that. Those things need to be taken care of and dealt with accordingly.
What I’m saying is, in a normal relationship where there is just the normal ebb and flow of life; remember why you fell in love. Remember the amazing things about your partner. Remember that initial spark, that initial POW! Remember that. Start thinking about that on a regular basis.
2. Gratitude Journaling About Your Spouse or Partner:
Take a gratitude Journal, and for 30 days I want you to write down at least 10 things every day that you’re grateful for about your spouse. That helps shift your focus to all the wonderful things about them. So for 30 days, start writing down ten things—at a minimum—every day of things that you’re grateful for about your spouse.
3. Stop Taking Things Personally:
And stop taking things personally. People do things, people do things that are weird, that don’t make sense… It isn’t about you. What people do is about them. Stop taking it personally.
For years when my wife, Vauna and I were first married, in the beginning she would have this expression on her face and I thought I was in trouble all the time. I thought that I had done something wrong. Now, that was me. That was my interpretation of what was going on. But one day I wised up enough to ask her, “Hey, what does it mean when you get that expression on your face?”
She said, “I’m just concentrating.”
So, for all that time I had felt I was in trouble, like I’d done something wrong—and again that was all my internal garbage that I hadn’t cleaned up yet. Okay, so let’s be clear on that. That was me. The way that I felt like I was in trouble was about me. Just like when you do things that have you feeling a certain way about yourself, it’s about you. It’s how you’re processing the world.
I was assigning a meaning to a behavior, that my beautiful wife was doing unconsciously, that had nothing to do with me. And once I learned, through asking, that all it meant was, she was concentrating, that alleviated so much stress and frustration that had been caused by that for me.
What is it That You’re Taking Personally That You Can Let Go of Today?
Remember, the things that you can start doing, right now, to increase the love you’re feeling for your spouse, your partner in your relationship.
- Remember the reasons why you fell in love.
- For 30 days write down 10 things, or more, every single day in a gratitude journal—that you’re grateful for about your spouse or partner.
- Stop taking things personally.
Always remember: You Are The Master of Your Destiny!
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