Roland Byrd

Mind & Body Fitness Coach

Better Questions

Why You Must Ask Better Questions

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Let’s Talk About The Questions You’re Asking Yourself.

What kind of questions do you ask yourself when something goes differently than how you wanted?

If something works out poorly or something random happens that really kind of sucks… What do you ask about it? What do you think? What are you doing with the event? What kind of questions are you asking?

That can make or break you as far as the results you’re getting from life!

I used to ask some horrible questions. And I mean, HORRIBLE QUESTIONS! I would ask things like, “Why me?”

“Why does this happen to me?”

You know what? There’s nothing good that comes from a question like that.

“Why does this always happen?” Is another favorite that people ask. And you know what? It’s a crap question!

So, “Why me?”, “Why does this happen to me?” Let’s replace questions like that.

Ask Better Questions

Any question that puts you in a victim mindset, needs to be gotten rid of.

Start asking yourself questions like:

  • “What else could this mean?”
  • “How can I use this to make myself a better person?”
  • “How can I use this to actively improve the lives of others?”
  • “What’s the good in this?”
  • “What’s the positive message here?”

You may or may not have heard about the motorcycle accident I had going on 7 years ago now. I was pulling onto the freeway, going about 55mph when I got sideswiped by a minivan. About 150ft of tumbling down the freeway later, laying there, once I figured out that I was in one piece and that I was still alive… The very first question that I asked was, “I wonder what the lesson in this is and I wonder who it’s for?”

And because I had trained myself to think that way, and to ask those kind of questions when stuff happens, what could have been an absolutely horrendous event turned into just something that happened.

Yeah, it sucked! I was beat up. I hurt for weeks afterward. But you know what? I was ok. I was alive. I could think. I had all my mental faculties. My body, except for a couple of minor inconveniences, was really okay.

I remember it like it was yesterday

If I would have asked different questions, then who knows what would have happened. I guarantee it wouldn’t have been the positive outcome that’s come from it. I use that as a teaching tool. I use it as a way to help people understand how powerful they are, how powerful their minds are and how powerful their outlook on life is.

What kind of questions do you ask yourself? When something happens that goes differently than what you want, are you asking yourself questions that have you thinking in a victim mindset or—and this is what I highly recommend—are you asking yourself questions that get you thinking about things like:

  •  “What’s the good in this?”
  • “How can I use this to help others?”
  • “How can I use this to make my life better?”
  • “What’s the lesson in here?”
  • “How can this be something that I can turn into a positive influence in my life?”

Questions like that, they’re going to get you firmly onto the path of mastering your mindset.

And always remember:

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

#Questions #SubconsciousMind #Mindset #Empower #Success #Goals #Mastery #Mindfulness #MentalGame #Attitude #MentalAttitude #EmotionalState #Motivation #VictimMentality #SuccessMentality #Inspire #Achievement #SelfCare #Emotions #ManageEmotions #SelfHelp #Healing #Results #Mind #MindPower

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Why You Must Ask Better Questions
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The Problem with Fighting Emotions

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Emotions are Driving Forces in Our Lives. Fighting Emotions Makes them More Powerful

Fighting Emotions Makes Them More Powerful.

For each of us, there are times we have emotions we don’t want. As you know, the usual response is to fight them, to resist and try to force them away. But there’s a problem with fighting emotions, it makes them more powerful.

We’ll come back to that.

Emotions are driving forces in our lives. They spur us to action. They shape the way we view the world. They impact how we interact with others. They can easily alter our path on any given day. Emotions can seem desirable—happiness, excitement, hopefulness—and they can seem undesirable—feelings of loneliness, depression, guilt—but whether we want the feelings we’re having or not, there are times they can help us and times when they hinder us.

How can feelings like loneliness, depression, and guilt help us? They’re signs that something is amiss in our lives. In essence these are calls to action, warnings that something must change. When we listen to, see, or feel these signs—and we choose to take action—we can discover the root cause of the feeling. Once we understand the root cause of the feeling we can take steps to address the underlying issues. We can heal.

Feelings like happiness, excitement, and hopefulness help us too. These feelings help us understand if what we’re doing is having desired results, they can keep us motivated during otherwise difficult times, and they have positive physiological benefits that improve our overall health.

When people fight their emotions it’s usually emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or other emotions most think of as negative. That’s because we tend to resist things we want to avoid. Feelings like these hurt so we try to avoid them, ignore them, or fight them.

Avoiding emotions we don’t want and ignoring them are both coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms are simply patterns of action and thought that we’ve learned to help deal with emotions or situations that are difficult for us. The problem with coping mechanisms is that they aren’t proactive and they don’t solve issues. They simply relieve the emotional and psychological pressure until the crisis passes. When the same or similar situation arises again we still have no idea how to deal with it in a healthy manner.

Fighting emotions we want to avoid is also a coping mechanism. And as I mentioned above, fighting emotions has another major flaw, it gives them more power over us.

Why?

When you fight something you give it attention, you focus on it, you have lots of strong feelings about experiencing those emotions, and you give it energy. Giving something attention and energy coupled with strong feelings tells your subconscious mind that it’s important. When your subconscious mind thinks something is important it does what?

Right! I does its best to give you more of it.

That means when you fight emotions your subconscious mind says, “Oh, this is really important, let’s help out and find more!”

That’s why fighting sadness leads to more sadness, fighting anger creates more anger… Fighting any feeling or thought reinforces and creates more of that feeling or thought!

Also, when we push against something the force has to go somewhere. When you’re pushing against an inanimate object, it will either move or the force pushes back against you. But human nature seems to be that the harder we’re pushed the harder we push back. Your emotions are the same, the harder you push against—or fight—an emotion, the harder it pushes back.

Fighting Your Emotions both Increases Your Subconscious Mind’s Opinion of How Important They Are and Makes Them More Powerful.

Is that what you want?

I didn’t think so.

But if fighting emotions doesn’t work, then how can you deal with emotions like anger, sadness, depression, etc.?

First it’s important to remember that all emotions are temporary. That means emotions live and die by the attention you give them. This is a strange concept to many. We’re used to latching on to emotions and nursing them—both positive and negative subjectively. If you’re feeling happy and you keep thinking about all the reasons you’re happy, then the feeling of happiness is going to last until you stop reinforcing it. When you’re feeling sad or angry—and you keep thinking of all the reasons you feel that way—your sadness or anger will last longer and even increase until you start thinking of other things.

The next time you feel something strongly, just let the emotion happen. Notice that it’s there, even thank it for what it’s trying to tell you, and then let it be. You’ll discover that the emotion passes much more quickly than when you nurse it along.

This is what it means to “Just Be”. Let the emotions of life ebb and flow like the tide. A good way to develop this ability is to practice daily meditation. As you meditate more and more you discover that emotions and thoughts flutter through your mind like butterflies, only pausing if you feed them by giving them attention.

As mentioned above, it’s also helpful to discover the root cause of some emotional reactions. This isn’t necessary with everything you feel. It’s a good idea though when your emotional reaction is strong, out of proportion to the situation, or personally debilitating.

A simple way to discover the root cause of emotional reactions is meditate on the question, “Why do I feel this way?” Then let the answers come without judgment and look at them, feel them, and hear them from your current understanding of life. You’ll often discover that your perspective has changed from when that emotional reaction pattern was originally developed. Understanding this helps you change the pattern.

Always Remember:

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

#SelfHelp #FightingEmotions #LiveNow

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The Power of Creative Problem Solving

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Thinking Outside The Box really means Useing Creative Problem Solving.

Creative Problem Solving Can be a Life-Saver!

Have you ever had a problem that seemed unsolvable? It happens! I’ve faced many issues that initially stumped me in both my personal and business life.

The question is, what do you do when this happens? Do you walk away and say, “Forget it!” or do you ask yourself question like, “What am I missing?”, “Who can I ask for help?”, or “Is there another way to approach this?”

The benefit of questions like these is they encourage creative problem solving. You often hear people talking about Thinking Outside The Box. What they’re really saying is Use Creative Problem Solving.

What is Creative Problem Solving and How Can We Apply it in Our Lives?

Here’s a real-world example.

My brother and I were driving on back-roads in Montana in his beat-up old Suburban, The Orange. It was bright orange, like a construction worker’s vest and though the name wasn’t terribly original, it fit perfectly. We were camping with a few friends in some remote spot and were on our way back to the nearest town to grab some supplies.

That was one of the best things about living in Montana, back then—yes I just said back then—you could pick a dirt road and drive until you found an isolated spot to set up camp. You never worried about anyone camping nearby. And forget the “pay for a spot that’s surrounded by people in camper-trailers” nonsense. That’s not camping! That’s pretending. If you’ve never been camping in a spot that’s so isolated you could go for days, maybe weeks without another person walking or driving by, then you haven’t been truly camping. But sadly in our current times finding a spot among a swarm of other “campers” is the best you can get in most states.

Back to the story.

We’re ripping down the dirt road, clouds of dust billowing in our wake…

BANG!

The Orange lurched and started to wobble. We’d blown a tire. My brother gripped the wheel tightly, let off the gas, and slowed to a halt in the middle of the dirt road.

Inspecting the damage, we found the right-rear tire had blown out. It was shredded beyond repair. No big deal. The Orange came complete with its own full-sized spare tire. We’d change the tire and be back on our way.

The Orange had a standing ratchet-jack, one of the kind that stands about three feet tall with a head that ratchets up the center post using a long lever arm. These jacks are great for vehicles with high clearance because they can quickly and easily lift the wheels of the ground. We got the jack out and started to set it up.

That’s when the creative problem solving came into play.

The lever arm was missing. We searched the entire vehicle and couldn’t find it anywhere. Without that arm the jack was useless. There was no way to lift the Orange, no way to change the tire.

The dirt road we were on might see traffic once or twice a month. And this was before cell phones were common. We were stuck with two choices. Either we figured out how to change that tire or we walked about forty miles to get help!

I was a strong teenager. I thought I could muscle the jack up without the lever. So I set it up in the middle of the rear bumper and lifted the head as far as I could. Then I centered myself over the short arm—where the lever would go. And I used all my strength to press down and ratchet that jack. Yeah…I moved the jack three clicks, that’s about three inches, just enough to start putting weight on it.

After that I tried various other methods including pounding on the ratchet arm with a hammer, jumping on it, and having my brother and friends lift the bumper while I did these things. We got another 4 clicks lift. The tire was still firmly on the ground.

We were discouraged. It seemed there was no hope. My brother was loading up his pack, getting ready to start walking when I had the idea to dig under the tire.

Why not?

We were on a dirt road. We had a shovel. If we couldn’t lift The Orange high enough to change the tire, we could take the ground out from underneath the tire!

I grabbed our camping shovel and attacked the ground around the blown tire. The digging was slow. It was hard packed, washboard gravel. Taking turns we finally cleared a hole that was deep and wide enough to let us remove the tire. Then we tried to put the new tire on, but because the tire was fully inflated, the hole was too shallow.

Back to digging.

We finally made it deep enough to slide the spare tire in and mount it.

Then we had a new problem. There was no way to lower the jack. Because of the jack’s design, as long as it was fully weighted, it took as much force to ratchet the jack down as it did up…

Luckily The Orange was 4-wheel drive. We locked the front axles, made sure everyone was clear, and then kicked it in gear and lurched backward. (If we’d gone forward the jack would have damaged the back of The Orange when the upper post swung into the tailgate.)

It was rough, but we were finally on our way. All thanks to creative problem solving.

So the next time you have a dilemma turn on your creative muscles and discover the power of imaginative problem solving.

Always Remember:

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

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Live In The Now

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The Sun Always Shines

With the start of a new year I’ve been thinking about how important it is to live in the now.

But what does that mean anyway and how do you do it?

To me, living in the now means living fully engaged in every moment and enjoying the process as much as possible. It means understanding the past is over and the future, though important, only really matters when you love the process of creating it.

It’s easy to get so caught up in what you’re trying to accomplish that you forget to enjoy the process. Life isn’t the future, nor is life the past. Life is this moment.

Now! And Now! And Now! This is life!

If you aren’t enjoying the process of living then you aren’t truly living.

Yes, all the moments strung together create your experience but it’s how you interpret those moments that create the meaning you give life, that create your reality, and that determine whether you’re enjoying the process of living or not.

That’s a hard one for many to accept. After all, who likes to realize that their sadness, happiness, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, turmoil, or peace are solely the result of how they interpret their life, especially if their life isn’t how they wish it was in one—or more—of those areas?

But it’s true.

And once we accept that truth, we’re in the position to consciously choose the meaning of our lives, we’re in the position to live fully engaged and enjoy each moment.

But what about the events that hurt emotionally, physically, psychologically, or spiritually?

While those moments aren’t enjoyable in the classical sense, they are a necessary part of your path. You can appreciate the lessons or seeds of growth that each of those moments contains. It’s up to you to find the seeds of growth and plant them. Use them to help you become a better person. Use the knowledge and experience in those moments to help others. Give meaning that empowers you to those moments.

Living in the Now

The meaning you give events in your life also impact your physical health.

In an interview with Anthony Robbins, Deepak Chopra discusses how two people can experience the same event and each give it different, even polar-opposite meanings. The meaning they choose to give the event determines how it impacts their physiology because nothing happens in the mind without also happening in the body. Depending on the meaning they give an event, they are either building up or tearing down their immune system. In short, your health is largely dependent on the meaning you give the events in your life.

Deepak Chopra goes on to say, “The meaning that you give to an event is the event because there is no such thing as actual reality. There is only the perception of realty.”

The meaning you give the events in your life become your physiology because each meaning produces chemical reactions. When you choose joy or gratitude or excitement as the meaning you give an event, your body produces a whole different set of chemicals than it does when you choose anger or ungratefulness or frustration.

But how do you learn to change the meaning of events?

The best thing I’ve discovered for changing the meaning of events in my life is to ask better questions about the events.

Instead of asking, “Why does this always happen to me?”

Try asking questions like; “What lesson is in this?” Or “How can I handle this better next time?” Or “How can I use this to help others?”

You can also ask, “What good can come of this?”

I encourage you to Live in the Now, Engage in Your Life, Accept Accountability for your Emotions, and Create Meanings that allow you to best Serve Others With Your Life!

Always Remember:

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland Byrd

#BetterQuestions #LiveNow

Copyright © 2014 Roland Byrd — All Rights Reserved

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Why Me? Is a Very Dangerous Question.

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When Storms March Across The Horizon of Your Dreams...

Have you ever wondered, Why Me?

I used to wonder, Why Me? all the time. But you know what? Why Me? is a very dangerous question because it feeds the concept that you aren’t in control of your life. And while you aren’t always in control of the things that happen to you, you’re always in control of how you internalize it—the meaning you give those events. And the meanings you give events in your life are the cobblestones of your future.

Yeah, I know it’s easy for me to sit here and say you should avoid the question. So let me tell you a story about how I reframed an event in my life and the difference that made.

 

Not Today

 

I love motorcycles. Riding a motorcycle is like flying. Nothing compares to the wind against your skin, the changes in temperature, the scent of flowers, grass, and trees. There’s no roof to block your view of the countryside, no window frames to cut a scene in half. The ability to lean deep in a corner and shoot out the other side is like surfing an asphalt wave.

I smile just thinking about it.

A little over a year ago I was riding my motorcycle. I’d just left a client’s, and was heading back to the office, when it happened. I was on the on-ramp for the freeway. I was clear to the side. I checked over my shoulder and saw that there was ample room for me to merge with traffic. I looked forward again and was still clear. So I started to accelerate down the remainder of the on-ramp. I quickly checked over my shoulder again and was still clear. I looked forward… A minivan—slightly to the front and the left of me—was hard on its brakes cutting into my on-ramp lane, cutting me off.

This all happened in seconds…

I had nowhere to go. There was too much traffic on the freeway for me to shoot to the left. And I wasn’t going fast enough to merge with traffic anyway. Besides, the angle the minivan was traveling put it right in my path if I tried to veer left. So in an attempt to avoid the minivan, I immediately applied the front and rear brakes and tried to angle my bike to the right and off the road. But they were breaking too hard and cutting too sharply across my lane (the on-ramp). Then I tried to lay my bike down so I could kick off and at least slide it out.

No luck.

I was in a side-ways slide leaning at about a 45° angle, a second more and I’d have been able to lay the bike down and kick off. That’s when the minivan hit me, right behind the front wheel of my bike.

I thought, “Not Today!” And I thought of my wife and children and how much I love them.

I was launched off my bike like a human rocket, except I didn’t have a safety net. That’s right, I was airborne—at about 55mph…

 

Martial Arts Anyone?

 

Instinct, from many years of martial arts training, took over. I immediately tucked then I slammed into the ground and rolled, and rolled, and rolled… Seriously it felt like I tumbled forever! And it wasn’t like on the mat at karate either. This was like being stuck in an industrial-sized clothes dryer. WHAM! Thump, thump, thump, WHAM! Thump, thump, thump, WHAM!

A road-side marker finally stopped my roll somewhere between fifty and one-hundred feet up the freeway—I’m a little fuzzy on that part because my head (in a helmet thank you) hit the asphalt at least four times as I bounced along.

So I lay there with this road-side marker pressing into my lower back and I thought, “I’m glad I survived.” Then I thought again of my wife and my daughters and sons, and how glad I was that I’d get to see them again. I didn’t try to move because I didn’t know how bad the damage was. All I knew is that I hurt everywhere—and that’s a colossal understatement.

I continued to lay there while good Samaritans asked me questions. Then they helped me sit up while we waited for the ambulance. It was then, while waiting for the ambulance that I had a thought that surprised me at the time. “I wonder what the lesson in this is and who it’s for?”

I never wondered, “Why me?” In fact that was the farthest thing from my mind.

As I sat there, I mentally reviewed the events of the accident and my day up to that point and I never felt I should have done something differently. In fact, it seemed that everything had happened in a perfect orchestration to bring it to pass. So I knew there was a reason for it. I’m not sure what the reason was. I believe it was a lesson. Maybe it was for the lady who hit me, the people who pulled over and helped, the officer who arrived and investigated the accident, my family, me, or even the paramedics who took me to the ER—and who, at my suggestion, took pictures of my helmet to show in motorcycle safety presentations. Maybe it was a lesson about what you can survive if you wear your helmet and other motorcycle gear.

Truthfully, there are a lot of lessons in what happened that day. But they would have been lost on me if I’d been entrenched in, “Why Me?” That question would have led to anger and resentment. It would have placed me as the victim of the accident. And while I was physically traumatized, I would only become a victim if I believed it so.

Another nice byproduct of asking, “What lesson is in this?” instead of ,”Why Me?” is that it helped me easily forgive the woman who hit me. I could have put a lot of energy into blaming her for the accident and into feeling like she wronged me. But truthfully, I felt no anger toward her. It’s not like she woke up that morning and thought, “I’m gonna get me a motorcyclist today!” In fact she was very apologetic and concerned for my well-being.

So next time something happens to you that hurts, that you feel angry about, or that’s just plain out of your control, try leaving Why Me? behind and asking better questions instead.

Questions like, “What lessons are in this?” And, “How can I use this to help others?” are a great place to start. Seek the knowledge and understanding that the experience offers you. You’ll be glad you did.

You Are The Master of Your Destiny!

Roland

Copyright © 2013 Roland Byrd — All Rights Reserved

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